Why is Freedom Scary?

A few months ago, I had a stomach virus. I hadn't thrown up in years and as my least favorite bodily function, I wanted to avoid it if at all possible. But as I sat curled up on the bathroom floor, completely incapacitated by the pain in my inner being, I began to realize that it was an unavoidable event in the process of healing. There was no way to recover from this sickness without the unpleasantness. I gave in and soon as I had thrown up, I felt completely exhausted, but the pain was gone.

Sometimes, I have the same reaction to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I would rather repress the momentary unpleasantness of conviction and even the subsequent freedom, because I am so afraid of change, of losing control and giving into the Lord's will. But when I ignore the Holy Spirit, I make myself spiritually ill and weak. If I am repressing the Lord's leading in one area of my life, how can I have true communion with Him?

Sometimes it is hard to diagnose the reason for spiritual illness. I find it easy to come up with lots of other excuses for why I am feeling the way I am, when I should be quiet before the Lord and ask him to reveal why I am struggling so. Ever since I moved to Dallas, I have had a nagging in the back of my soul telling me that all was not well. I wrote it off as stress from transition. Then I began to have a hard time in my quiet time, paying attention to what I was reading and learning. I noticed that I didn't intercede for others as much or as sincerely as I had a few months before. I decided this must be stress from school and lack of sleep. Then I began to have a hard time in worship and remembering to pray for all the 'usual' stuff. But I never stopped and asked God to show me what it was that was wrong. Somehow, I had a feeling that He would require something difficult of me and I wasn't willing to risk losing my illusion of control and security.

Fortunately, I serve a God who is kind and loving and able to guide even his most deluded of children. I had told a friend a few days ago, that I often make a decision and plow ahead until God smacks me in the head and changes my plan. God knows me, and knows that even while I am learning to listen to him, it is still hard for me to hear sometimes. And so even though he wants me to learn to listen better, he also wants me to have the best he has to offer me, thus the head smack.

The crazy thing about finally hearing what God is trying to say, is that freedom and joy are quick to follow behind. There is great joy in knowing that I am back on track with God, even if the path ahead is now more difficult than I first expected. I thought I knew how I was supposed to serve God here at PBT, and it was hard to realize that I had been wrong, but it was also a huge relief, because now I am free to discover the great things God has been preparing me for and designing me for from the beginning.